Puerto Rican rapper, singer, songwriter and rising phenomenon Young Miko casually referred to herself as a “gold star lesbian” in an interview with Cosmopolitan this week. SHOCK! HORROR! Despite her expressing support for every individual faction of the LGBT community in the chat when she didn’t have to, it wasn’t good enough. It’s beginning to feel like lesbians will never be left alone until we apologise for our entire existence.
This time, the mob wants an “oops, sorry!” for mentioning the fact that she’s never had sex with a man before. Miko didn’t say or imply she was better than lesbians who’ve forced themselves to sleep with men in the past due to heteronormative pressure. Most of us gold stars understand why they do – that’s why we’re so proud we made it through the acid-fire of impressionable young lesbianhood, without doing it to fit in. Heteronormative pressure is felt by all lesbians, gold star included.
“People here haven’t seen how biphobic lesbians get in certain Redit communities. There should be no eugenic rhetorics in lesbianism. Just like how swastika is now a symbol of hate despite the first origin being opposite of harm, the term ‘gold star’ has been a symbol of exclusion and hate in the past. It should be discarded. It’s not the same case as adopting the ‘d*ke’ terminology, which is a derogatory term that was directed from outside the community. You can reclaim the hate word ‘d*ke’ but not gold star.”
This pride is wrong, according to the pitchfork-holders – most of whom are not lesbians at all. Instagram user @hidden.ruby likened the term ‘gold star’ to fascism. Like culty Christians who tell women to always be humble, to never look in the mirror, to never talk highly of oneself, to always consider how our existence might provoke others, lesbians who have never slept with men before are not allowed to talk about that in public because it might make others feel uncomfortable.
Most late bloomer lesbians – lesbians who came out later in life – wish all lesbians were gold stars. Having sex with men as a lesbian leaves a psychological mark they’d like to prevent. Most anti-gold star witch-hunters are not lesbian at all; instead, they assert that the term is an attack on women who are actually attracted to men. This is why @hidden.ruby mentions it being ‘biphobic’ and ‘eugenics rhetoric’: the user is suggesting that bisexuals are equally lesbian and disagreeing makes you a nazi. They don’t see the issue with questioning female homosexuality. They don’t care that they’re parroting heteropatriarchal beliefs about women supposedly always being capable of finding an attraction to men somewhere deep inside… propaganda that ironically is what coerces many lesbians into denying themselves a gold star life. It’s all connected.
It does not take being a lesbian to figure out why a lesbian would be happy she’s never had sex with men. She is not attracted to them. But it’s become totally normalised WITHIN the LGBT community to question if female homosexuality is a real thing. That’s why so many bisexual women identify as lesbian. Why they feel owed it; why it’s viewed as ‘gatekeepy’ to resist their intrusion. Those who see lesbianism as a feminist competition rather than female homosexuality see ‘gold star’ as aggressive bad sportsmanship. The truth is that lesbians have no interest in men whatsoever, despite what they may have forced themselves to endure. Gold stars represent a hopeful future for lesbians. It’s what our body always wanted.
“HARD AGREE. As a lesbian who forced myself to sleep with plenty of men (despite not being attracted to any of them) due to some combination of societal pressure, internalized homophobia and self-loathing, I am SO happy for every lesbian who never had to put herself through that. I knew I was attracted to women and I had my first everything with girls, actually! But I felt like I had to at least try to like men and it was traumtic and I would never wish it on another member of our community!”
I’ve spoken to many lesbians who were out during the 80s and 90s, and all of them have said the same thing: the term ‘gold star’ was a tongue-in-cheek joke created by those who are NOT gold stars. As in, “Do you want a gold star for never sleeping with a man before?” It isn’t something lesbians who’ve never slept with a man before coined to refer to themselves as golden, compared to lesbians who have slept with men getting silver or bronze. It’s just been adopted as a casual community term that’s a lot shorter than spelling out the whole thing each time. Gay men have similar terminology – they even use ‘platinum gay’ for those who not only haven’t touched a vagina but were also born via c-section. They didn’t even come out of one! Homosexual humour, everybody. Making it deep due to your insecurities and lack of boundaries with us is sus.
Let’s end this on a knockout DM from an LH follower:
“I think lesbians are often in a double bind–lesbians are a minority within a minority, with our own specific history of political organizing, visibility struggles, and spaces that were hard-won. But somehow that specificity gets framed as exclusionary rather than just… specific.
“The gold star example fits this pattern. A lesbian describing her own history and finding it meaningful isn’t making a claim on anyone else. But the social response often treats it as though she is–which requires her to constantly disclaim, qualify, or shrink herself.
“This pressure tends to come dressed in the language of inclusion, which makes it harder to name without sounding like you’re against inclusion. But there’s a difference between a group being welcoming and a group being required to have no edges at all. The latter isn’t inclusion–it’s dissolution.”
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