Society pressures lesbians to marry and have sex with men in most parts of the world. Heteropatriarchy sows doubt that female homosexuality is even possible, and so does the LGBT community. Heterocoercion feels inescapable.
Only a lesbian understands how devastating the prospect, let alone reality, of us having sex with a male is. Women who desire and enjoy sex with males are not lesbians.
The more homophobic an environment is, the more surviving is the goal. The achievable solution to heterocoercion isn’t always as romantic as we’d like it to be.
Lavender marriage
The pressure to marry and sleep with men is amplified for lesbians living in India. I spoke with Thanima, creator of a classifieds-style Instagram account (@lavendermarriagekerala_india). The page connects people wanting a lavender marriage: a union of convenience between a man and a woman that aims to conceal one or both of their sexual orientations.
I’m the most romantic person I know. I perceive marriage as a demonstration of love. But I can envision a lesbian marriage for myself because I’m lucky enough to live in a country where it’s legal. Even if a lesbian has the means to leave India, it would be a privileged perspective to pretend that leaving your home country and family is a simple decision that will automatically lead to happiness.
Our priority, as lesbian activists, should be finding practical ways deeply oppressed lesbians can safely avoid the nightmare of sex with males.
While Thanima allows profiles from all LGBT people, lavender marriages historically existed for homosexual people to avoid sleeping with the opposite sex without suspicion while covertly pursuing their true desires.
The rate of lavender marriage seems to correlate with the persecution of homosexuality. In 1903, lesbian artist Romaine Brooks married John Ellingham Brooks, a gay pianist suffering financial hardship. Romaine had inherited a large sum of money in 1902 – after a life of poverty, abuse, and starvation – when her neglectful mother died, and her grandfather left his estate to Romaine and her sister.
Years before the marriage, John Ellingham Brooks fled to Capri because he feared being prosecuted for homosexuality after the 1895 trial of Oscar Wilde. Romaine similarly fled to Capri a couple of years after John Ellingham Brooks did, to escape from a straight male student in her life art class who sexually harassed and stalked her, attempting to force her into marrying him.
Lesbian life in India
While Thanima says things are getting better for gay and lesbian people living in India, including Kerala, there are still many challenges.
“The problem here is that people are very family-oriented, which can make things difficult,” she said.
“I think more people would come out if they knew their families would support them. But because society is still largely against it, many families may not accept them either. A lot of people still have old-fashioned views. Things are slowly getting better, though.”
Anwesh Sahoo, a model, echoed Thanima’s assessment to Hindustan Times:
“The fact that lavender marriages are a reality in India just goes on to show how far we as a society can go to paint a socially acceptable picture for the outside world. I actually do have a few friends who are in an arrangement of this sort, given how familial hetero-normative structures work in India.”
Aditya Khare, host of an LGBT film review podcast, Booty and Binge, elaborates:
“Right from childhood, we are made to believe that acceptance from mainstream society is equivalent to upholding family honor. So in the case of serious life decisions like marriage, societal acceptance trumps being authentic to ourselves in order to not taint our family name.
“We cannot judge those who make these decisions because when you live in a society that cringes on homosexual relationships, which can lead to being disowned, mocked or assaulted, it is very much fight or flight.”
Rethinking classifieds
Thanima created a classifieds page for lavender marriages because she wanted to help people like her. She never expected so many people would seek her help.
To post on the classifieds, people share their details with Thanima, including tagging a finsta for interested respondents to message. Most of the profiles come from individuals seeking another individual, but there are also homosexual couples looking to marry other homosexual couples of the opposite sex.
“The page only went viral about a month ago, so there haven’t been any marriages yet,” Thanima said.
“But people are talking to each other and getting to know one another.”
While there haven’t been any marriages yet, Thanima has had many responses indicating that some people are on track.
Risk worth taking?
Creeps have always lurked in classifieds sections for nefarious purposes. Many people are afraid to even follow Lesbian Marriage Kerala & India from their main profile. The potential danger is unavoidable. But the site’s risk is worth taking for many lesbians when the alternative means unwanted, undesired sex with men anyway.
Thanima reports that users have been exercising internet safety, rather than immediately meeting up offline. Participants usually reveal their true identities after they feel safe that the person they’re messaging is genuine.
People take their time getting to know each other during Indian dating because “everything matters,” according to Thanima.
“Religion, caste, job, and states have to match [for most people, including when it comes to lavender marriage]. Then, most importantly, mindsets should match: most females don’t want a child, men mostly want them.”
Overall, the response to the opportunity, process and potential has been overwhelmingly positive.
“Many people said they were so stressed about their marriage and thanked me for starting the account,” Thanima said.
Thanima’s hope for the future of Lavender Marriage Kerala & India?
“That one day, this page won’t need to exist. But for now, if people can’t safely come out and live the life they want, this can be a better option than marrying a straight person.”
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