I had crushes on women and girls when I was a kid. My mum would take me to the local country town supermarket. While she shopped, I’d follow the same female worker around each time, just to bask in her essence. I would forget where I was. Forget about what junk food I wanted. I didn’t think she was cool or wish to be like her – there were other girls I looked up to like that – I was absolutely enamored. It was her scent, her large breasts, her gold tooth among flashy white teeth, her big, dry, auburn 80s hair (it was now the 90s). It was a cute crush. I have never had a crush on a male.
My supermarket crush did what any ethical adult who isn’t a pedophile would do – nothing. She’d say hello, be happy to see me, and let me follow her around while she worked. Clear boundaries. Some of my male-attracted female friends blame themselves for their childhood “crush” on a man because he took advantage of it. Children cannot consent to anything sexual with an adult. That does not mean clues about our sexual orientation are not evident during childhood.
Julie Bindel views the concept of innate sexual orientation as “problematic” because it apparently “ascribes sexual attraction to a foetus or newborn baby.” Acknowledging that we are born with a sexual orientation blueprint does not suggest babies or children experience the full breadth of adult-like sexual feelings. Even feminists will admit that an 8-year-old boy stealing women’s magazines to see half-naked women in bra advertisements is just a healthy expression of sexual orientation. So why is it predatory for lesbians to talk about how they were once lesbian children? Homophobia.
To nobody’s surprise, Bindel believes that you can choose your sexual orientation. It’s usually bisexuals who, sometimes deliberately, misunderstand the concept of “born this way,” because their sexual orientation is open-ended. Fluid. Whatever you want to call it. They have to “make a choice” if they want to pursue a certain sex, like Bindel did. That’s not the experience of homosexuals. Homosexuals do not experience any attraction to the opposite sex to abstain from. Nobody can stop a bisexual woman from identifying as a lesbian, but it will never make her one. She’s just a fraud. A grifter.
The reason homosexuals remember clues of our sexual orientation during childhood is because we frequently know so young that we are different and maybe even bad, long before we have the urge for actual, literal sex. When I told my mum that I had been consensually kissing my female friends at seven years old, it was an act of confession. I knew it was “wrong.” I went to Catholic school; I knew what I had to do. She told me I’d grow out of it. An attraction to boys – wanting to kiss them like I did girls – would have reassured me that I was still normal. I told boys who asked me on dates that my parents were too strict to allow such a thing. It was a lie.
I blocked out that I was attracted to females for many years after that, but an attraction to boys never grew. Once I hit puberty, I convinced myself that I was straight but that all women pretended to be attracted to males for reproduction. We are animals, right? It only made sense to me, from a logical and scientific perspective, that our purpose on Earth was to perpetuate the species. However, the evidence that my friends actually liked these boys became so overwhelming that I could no longer deny that I was different. I held hope that I was just a late developer. My attraction to boys surely would come. Nope. I came out as a lesbian around my 18th birthday after forming a massive, undeniable crush on a closeted bisexual co-worker who treated me like shit.
I know Julie Bindel’s a smart woman. That’s why it’s impossible to take much of what she says about the Born This Way debate as anything more serious than a bisexual performing Olympic-level intellectual gymnastics to weasel her way into a fraudulent lesbian identity. Not only does she lean into homophobic stereotypes regarding homosexuals being pedophiles to stop us from describing the clues we were homosexual during our childhood, she deliberately conflates bisexual women, who are capable of finding men attractive, with lesbians who have forced themselves into sex, dating, and marriage with men. These women are not the same. Lesbians who have forced themselves to be with men were born lesbians. Sexual orientation is about attraction, not action. Heteropatriarchy can force lesbians to act against their nature.
Who knows, maybe there is a gay gene. Maybe it’s a mix of prenatal factors. Maybe it’s other biological factors. I don’t know. I don’t care why or how my sexual orientation is innate; I just know it is. If you find it impossible to become attracted to males, but you can find females attractive – and you’re a female yourself – then you’re a lesbian.
Why call yourself a lesbian if you’ve experienced attraction to men?
Feminist bisexual women often envy lesbians because they wish they weren’t attracted to men, despite many continuing to date men while having the option of women anyway. Where it gets homophobic is that, to minimise their envy, they feel entitled to the lesbian label themselves – as if being incapable of attraction to men is not a hallmark trait of lesbianism – denying female homosexuality exists in the process. Lesbians have to be inclusive of homophobes or else we’re anti-feminist. Yes, it’s laughable.
Lesbians are not privileged. All women who are attracted to men, whether they act on it or not, rest knowing they are attracted to who they’re “supposed to be.” Humans are animals. Animal purpose is linked to reproduction. Even if you don’t reproduce, being capable of attraction towards the sex you could with means you are “normal” according to science and religion alike. All women can abstain from men. It does not make them all lesbian.
I love being a lesbian. I don’t like how lesbians are treated, including by fellow females. I don’t think being born as a lesbian is a kink, illness or problem; it’s just a natural difference that could be due to numerous evolutionary purposes. It proves that women exist on Earth for more than being a vessel for future generations. It should inspire, not threaten, other women. It just can’t inspire them to become lesbian, as that’s impossible.
There has been no experience in my life to suggest that I am, or am going to be, attracted to men. Only heteropatriarchy tells me so. You would have to be a homophobic cop working on behalf of heteropatriarchy to indicate that sexual orientation is fluid, that lesbians must be capable of attraction towards men – or at least be open to the chance it could one day occur – and that’s why we shouldn’t “gatekeep” the lesbian label from bisexuals, just in case.
Lesbianism isn’t an academic theory you get your doctorate in by being a perfect feminist. Decades of activist work don’t render you incapable of male attraction, if you’ve experienced it. There is at least one lesbian sitting in prison right now for brutally murdering another woman… and she’s still a lesbian because she’s never been attracted to men.
Lesbianism has a history of being viewed as practice for a real relationship with a man. As a pillow fight for the male gaze. As a feminist club for women who hate men the most. Unfortunately, bisexual women identifying as lesbian play a major role in the perpetuation of such homophobic narratives. But we are not allowed to talk about homophobia inflicted by bisexual women because we’re supposed to support the lie that lesbian and bisexual women are the same. I refuse.
Lesbian experiences with bisexual homophobia
We got hundreds of answers to our Google Form on the topic and could not utilise them all. We plan to use other quotes from the survey in future articles. We have grouped similar experiences to bear witness to their parallels, articulating our testimonies in a way that tells a story, without publishing quotes that are so similar they’d be boring to re-read.
“A friend of mine is living with and engaged to her male boyfriend but identifies as “99% lesbian” and repeatedly refers to lesbians as perverts and stalkers. When I tell her that’s offensive, she says she can say it because she’s a lesbian. She’s never dated a woman before. Another friend of mine (who identifies fully as just a lesbian) is dating a man, and now whenever a guy in our uni asks me out and I say no, I’m a lesbian, he says, “Well, (name) is dating a guy and she’s a lesbian.” This has happened three times, no exaggeration. My bisexual friends repeatedly ask me when I’m going to get serious and date a guy, how I can know I don’t like guys if I’ve never been with one, and what kind of guy I’d like if I were into them. Once I even went on a date with a bi girl who said that lesbianism is “small-minded” because “there’s no real difference between men and women.” – S, 20, New England, USA.
“My bisexual ex-friend, who calls herself a “lesbian” made a comment about how it was perfectly normal to feel attraction towards men while being a lesbian […] she even had a girlfriend at the time present in the room, while she said it. Lesbians don’t just hate men, we’re just not attracted to them.” – Sara, 27, México.
“I knew a person who was bisexual and insisted on calling herself a lesbian. When I asked her why, she said it was because, while she dated and was intimate with men, she just felt more like a lesbian. [I explained] that she can’t be a lesbian if she is interacting with men in a sexual way, unless she was doing it to protect herself from her family. She said no, her family was cool with her being part of the LGBTQ+ community, it’s just that women are so much easier to talk to but, sometimes, she needed dick. She then said to me that I was a horrible lesbian for saying that she can’t use the label […] that I can’t call myself a lesbian because I have never been with a woman, so how do I know? I know I like women, the idea of being with a man in any way disgusts me to no end. She said she felt the same but, reiterated that sometimes she just needed dick […] She is also one of those people who calls every homosexual woman queer. If some women use that, that’s great but, when I told her that I don’t identify as queer, I identify as a lesbian, she said to me that lesbian is a bad word and it can’t be used anymore because it is erasing bi and pan women.” – Vic, mid-20s, New Jersey, USA.
“The woman I saw last lived her life as a lesbian, but had confessed to me that she found men sexually attractive. That was fine, until she remained calling herself a lesbian, and subtly suggested I must have attractions to men too and had me imitate male sexuality in bed. These choices she made indirectly told me that lesbian, and my identity as a lesbian, were not to be taken seriously, like she thought my experiences as a homosexual were all a game.” – Marie, 19, Canada.
“I believe that a big part of bi homophobia comes from the struggle with understanding that they do not need to align with lesbians to be attracted to women. In my experience, it is more so that bisexual women in lesbian spaces push their own fears of not being a lesbian onto other lesbians. They don’t understand the certainty with which lesbianism takes place, and in relationships I have experienced bi women utilizing me as a test for how “lesbian” they can be.” – T.S., early 20s, Georgia, USA.
“A group of former friends – all bisexual women – have said to random men that they are “lesbians who sleep with men for fun.” So when [these men] approached me, and I said I wasn’t interested in men, they referenced the bisexual women I was with and said they would SA me if I wasn’t a “fun lesbian” too. It ended up being a very scary situation and I was lucky to have help leaving from a bunch of straight women who didn’t know why I was running from a group of men. One of many awful and homophobic experiences around bisexuals.” – Emmy, 27, Kentucky, USA.
“When I first came out, my parents had me meet with a bisexual woman who was a proponent of conversion therapy, and who tried to convince me I needed to go to conversion therapy as well. (For context, this happened in a very religious & homophobic place.) Her argument was that it was fine to be LGBTQIA+, but you couldn’t act on it, and conversion therapy is helpful to learn how to not act on it. She used herself as an example, saying that she knew she was bi, but went to conversion therapy, and now was happily married to a man. I explained to her that I’m a lesbian, and while we both are attracted to women, it’s not the same thing because I’m ONLY attracted to women. I don’t have the option of men at all! That changed nothing to her, she kept insisting that I would be able to marry a man because she’s LGBTQIA+ (bisexual), and that’s what she did. It was a real mindfuck because she was very clear that she was BISEXUAL, using that word, having an attraction to both women & men, and thinking that was the same thing as me being a lesbian. And in that, really eroding the concept of lesbianism in and of itself.” – Rachel, 28, Canada and Germany.
“When I was in a sorority, there was a girl who had the position of “LGBTQ+ Chair.” We were in the car once, and she had made a joke about being gay. I pointed out she had a boyfriend, and she got offended. At the next chapter meeting, she made an announcement that “gay” can be used by all members of the LGBT community and, by not agreeing, you are being disrespectful of their identities.” – Kayla, 22, New York, USA.
“A good friend of mine is bisexual, but consistently uses terms like WLW, lesbian, gay, to describe herself. She typically only “dates” and hooks up with men, but when a man annoys her she says “oh this is why i’m gay.” Then she flirts with girls until she finds a new man.” Ellie, 22, Georgia, USA.
“[Bi women] feel insecure about the erasure of their identity within the LGBTQIA+ community, and in turn feel the need to assert that ‘no one is 100% gay or 100% straight’. But it’s like, girl, stop projecting. Your struggles are not mine in this regard, and you don’t get to speak for me when only I and other lesbians/gay men know our truth.” – Etoile, 31, California, USA.
“My mother, who is bisexual and only dates men, asks me if I miss the d****. Other bisexuals ask me if my sexuality is fluid and say ‘we’re all born bisexuals with different environmental conditions’.” – Carla, 29, Spain.
“Are there bisexuals who believe homosexuality exists? Because the majority of the bi women I’ve met think lesbianism is simply a temporary identity a woman calls herself while dating another woman.” – Ari, 30s, Texas, USA.
“[A bisexual coworker] has usually always called herself bisexual, but now that she’s having her first romantic relationship with a woman, she’s decided to call herself a lesbian. She’s told me she’s still very much attracted to men, but since she’s in a relationship with a woman, she deserves to call herself a lesbian. I’ve told her that’s not what being a lesbian is and that I’m uncomfortable with her calling herself one, and she got very aggressive towards me and told me “no real lesbian would gatekeep”, so I guess I’m not a real lesbian now? Also, years ago before this happened, she kept trying to set me up with men, forgetting that I’m a lesbian repeatedly, always assuming that I’m attracted to men too.” – Raven, 20s, Ontario, Canada,
“One instance I remember is from high school, one bisexual girl telling me and other friends (knowing I was a lesbian) the typical “everyone is actually bi” phrase. I remember it well because it was the first time I heard that, but I have [again] by several bisexual women over the years. It’s really homophobic in my opinion, because it leads me to believe they find it impossible for someone (a woman) to not be into men.” – Emi, 22, Spain.
“I personally find it very homophobic to call sexuality ‘fluid’. I feel like that term is used exclusively by the same people to love to use queer when talking amount the community. Both terms feel very capitalistic to me […] Bi homophobes just like to shame real lesbians by saying that we’re exclusionary. Like yes indeed, I am only interested in women and that makes my sexuality non-fluid and I know it doesn’t align with your agenda but it is what it is.” – Lillian, mid-20s, England.
“Bisexuals can’t seem to fathom a world where women are not attracted to men. The statement “sexuality is fluid” is constantly being pushed onto us. They also believe that les4les is biphobic when what they don’t understand is that we bond over the realization that we are not capable of sexual attraction for men, not that bi women are dirty for being with men.” – Rocio, 30, San Francisco, USA.
“I think bisexual homophobia is simply less acknowledged because they control LGBT by virtue of there being more of them. Every publication never hesitates to criticise gays for allegedly being prejudiced or making bisexuals feel bad but I’ve never seen an LGBT outlet criticise bisexuals for the corrective rape, harassment violence and discrimination they participate in against gay people. The fact that the dominant LGBT mantra these days is “sexuality is fluid” shows how much they’ve seized control. Anyway, I sincerely believe the average bisexual is more homophobic than the average straight. This has been my experience throughout my life. (1) My bisexual family believe that everyone can “choose to do the right thing” and get married to the opposite sex (2) I’ve been sexually harassed by multiple bisexual women who have contacted me to have threesomes with their boyfriends despite making it clear I’m lesbian.” – Kiki, 20s, Australia.
“[Bi women have told me] I could just kiss a guy because it’s the same [as kissing women], or let him finger me, basically ‘you can find the right man’ rhetoric.” – Trin, 19, Paris.
“My bisexual ex-girlfriend expressed, repeatedly, how she didn’t understand the use of strap-ons, saying that if you wanted to be penetrated in that way, you should just get a man to do it. I’m certain this isn’t something that’s exclusive to bisexuals, and probably a more prevalent opinion among heterosexuals who operate on this sort of penetration dynamic being inherent to female/male relationships, but it struck me because she has seemed so knowledgeable on female pleasure and feminism. This ignorance came as a genuine surprise to me. It erased everything I thought she understood about my identity.” LM, 22, Spain.
“[Bisexuals often insinuate] that everything in sexuality is a fluid journey. They assume that using a strap-on comes from a hidden need for male organs. They say that trying [sex] with a man wouldn’t hurt (!!!). They joke that butch/femme relationships are heteronormative. They assume the femme is always bottoming for mascs.” – Joy, 31, Warsaw, Poland.
“”Sexuality is fluid” is a phrase that has been used towards me too many times. While I’m sure it is for some, it is not for me. I am a butch lesbian who loves femme lesbians. And that is the sexuality I have found myself in. The idea that there is a right man out there for me frankly disgusts me and the fact that saying shit implying that is completely acceptable is icky.” – Liv, early 20s, Midwest USA.
“I’ve heard many, many times how “sexuality is fluid, ‘ and how all of us are “actually bisexual.” It took me years and years to realize I’m lesbian and [that] even if my partner is nonbinary (born female), it doesn’t change my sexuality. It’s part of me. But I have been called transphobic (I’m not, far from it), because I don’t have sexual interest in people with penises.” – Ils, 32, Finland.
“My ex-partner is bi and told me I was the only woman she was attracted to (just men and me), instead of working through her own internalized biphobia/homophobia, and she continually tried to convince me I am trans. She also said I was bisexual and everyone is bisexual, despite my lesbian identity.” – Julia, 43, Canada.
“I’m a stone butch, and very masculine. When I experience homophobia from other queer people its usually in the form of me being confused about who and what I am, accusing my partner(s) of being bi or straight for being into someone who looks like me, or general butchphobia about how I present.” – Beau, 30, Midwest, USA.
“Bisexual women (partners) have said I’m the only girl they would ever be with, because I’m a masc [insinuating they weren’t seeing a real woman].” – Katie, 20s, New York, USA.
“Bi women I’ve dated have questioned my gender expression and I have felt pressured transition as they weren’t comfortable/familiar with my butchness. Lesbian partners understand my expression and place in the community and validate my gender as a masculine woman.” – Cam, 28, USA.
“My [bi] “friend” who identifies as a lesbian yet is with a male told me that I see women as “walking vaginas” and that biological sex is not real. I’ve also been molested by groups of bi/bi-questioning girls as a child, and they said that I should want it because I am gay. It hurts more when it comes from bisexual women, particularly, because they often act like I am primitive and close-minded for only desiring women. Sometimes they even act like *I* am the homophobic one, or “queerphobic” because I won’t give males a try.” – Jack, 21, USA.
“Bisexuals, particularly in liberal areas, tend to identify as gay and lesbian and shame actual gays and lesbians for our exclusive homosexuality: ie. ‘genital preference’ […] bisexuals will pretend to be part of the ‘in group’ of homosexuals and then attempt to edge us out via shaming, whereas heterosexuals shame from the outside.” Billy, 30s, USA.
“There’s those small micro aggressions of “oh have a threesome with my boyfriend” … “I’d date lesbians but they’re sooo scary” … “me and my bf sexualise women together” … “I turn a bit gay on nights out” … “my boyfriend said it doesn’t count.” […] They act as if lesbians are right perverts and they’re a victim of discrimination […] People act like we lesbians go “too far” with our sexuality or aren’t open-minded […] One person always said “oh yeah I hate men, other than my bf he’s one of the good ones,” or “I’m a lesbian if it wasn’t for my bf,” or the “this but with my boyfriend”, when we refer to something Sapphic. To me it feels like for a small group of bisexuals that claim they aren’t taken seriously in the community by lesbians just because we stand up for ourselves, they cannot even decenter men themselves and project that onto us.” – Harley, 21, North-East England.
“Unicorn hunters [M/F couples looking for women to fuck] on lesbian apps! The fucking worst! I used to get in fights with them and they would always say that plenty of lesbians want to fuck their boyfriend. Bi people shitting on us for not wanting their boyfriends around at our events. Bi people insisting that sexuality is always fluid and not believing us when we dare to say we don’t want to fuck men!” – Stephanie, late 20s, San Francisco, USA.
“[Some] bisexuals try to use lesbians as an experimental thing and also try to ‘cure’ us – this is true of bisexual women who date men and have weird fetishes.” – Nicola, 20s, UK.
“…Bisexuals not understanding why I wouldn’t want to join them and their man, even if he ‘just watched’…” – Robi, 34, USA.
“Bisexuals in past relationships have made me feel pressured into having threesomes with men, and, as a lesbian, I do not want this at all!” – Beca, 19, England.
“Some bisexual women who have never been with women would tell me again and again that I didn’t know love or sex until I dated or slept with a man. I even had a bisexual girl ask me to let her boyfriend join and fuck me mid-hookup. When it’s homophobia from heterosexuals, it’s usually “you’re just confused, your attraction is actually a deep friendship that you’re misinterpreting” but, when it comes from bisexuals, it’s always “your sexuality doesn’t revolve around men, let alone include them so it can’t be valid. You’re a secret bisexual too, and a good dick can ‘turn’ you,” type of invalidation and erasure. Not everyone is bi. I am not either.” – Jade, early 20s, Turkey.
“I have had several instances of having more than one date with a bisexual who had a secret boyfriend that popped out when she thought I was hooked, so that they could spring a threesome on me. But “it’s okay” because their boyfriend is “basically a woman anyway.” Also, bisexuals forcing themselves and their boyfriends in lesbian/women’s spaces and acting like the biggest victims if lesbians refuse to date them. Also, the attitude that a lot of them have about how woman are soooooo scary to approach and that is why they are with their boyfriends.” – Kelce, 33, Netherlands.
“Through my teens and 20s, I encountered many bi women who told me their boyfriends “didn’t care if they fucked around” with women. “Sex” wasn’t SEX to them unless there was a penis. I also met many bi women who seemed to assume I was ignoring an attraction to men as a feminist stance. They refused to believe or understand that such an attraction did not exist, period. “Yeah totally, I’m SO over men too,” was their common line.” – Natalie, 37, California, USA.
“A lot of bisexual women in relationships with men fail to see how this is a privilege. Being able to be perceived as heterosexual is a privilege that I, as a butch, am not afforded and people don’t treat you the same.” – Charlie, 22, Colorado, USA.
“Some [bi women] say it’s easier being bi because it’s easy to get attention from men and their boyfriends don’t mind if they sleep with women on the side. As if women are not threatening to their relationship and not to be taken seriously.” – Bri, 31, North Carolina, USA.
“I have this friend who’s bisexual […] I can name some things that have bothered me. 1. Claiming she’d never date a girl and “might” have sexual relations with them, but would see herself with a man in the long run. 2. I feel like when I’m with her she thinks of me as a validation for her sexuality (pointing out every girl that literally walks by us is “so sexy” and “fine” and “damn” I don’t know how to explain this better but I just get this weird feeling). 3. Asked me if I thought a guy was good looking but was asking me in a way as if maybe I was interested in him. 4. Her friends joke around with her about sexual relations with girls (which she’s never had); one friend made a comment one time stating “what if I pretended to be gay and you pretend to be straight for the day” 5. Outing me to people she knows (I’m not the type to let every single person know I’m a lesbian) 6. Claiming she’s trying to dress gayer by wearing more masculine clothes, and would be more feminine for men. I know a couple of times it seemed like she was trying to like jokingly imply we’re together, she asked, “What would you say if someone asked if we were together?” Mind you, I have a very serious gf and this friend is supposed to be like family.” – Lya, 19, Wyoming, USA.
“I knew a “lesbian”-identifying bi woman who would talk about things like how relieved she was that she didn’t “accidentally” sleep with her male friend while on vacation. I also knew another bi woman who only dated men but would drunkenly hit on me at parties, while knowing I already had a girlfriend at the time. She never called herself a lesbian as far as I know but loved to proclaim how queer she was and complain that people wouldn’t take her seriously at work because she was “femme.” (Narrator: People didn’t take her seriously at work because she dressed inappropriately and was bad at her job).” P, 30, Los Angeles, USA.
“The assumption that because I’m gay and they’re bi that I am immediately attracted to them and want to do sexual things with them.” – Crystal, early 40s, USA.
“I was acquainted with a girl who was bisexual and dating a cishet man, but occasionally calls herself a lesbian. She was dating a friend of mine, so I tried to befriend her. Brought her to a gay bar with my gf and a lesbian friend of ours. Bisexual proceeds to hit it off with our friend, and they make out multiple times throughout the night (even though bisexual has a bf). Then, the next day, she claims our friend forced herself on her when explaining what happened to her bf. She still refers to herself as a lesbian, meanwhile she is partnered with a man and uses actual lesbians for her own pleasure and throws them away when she’s done – even levying false claims of coercion to suit her story and play victim to her bf. A sick individual, honestly.” – Kati, early-30s, Atlanta, USA.
“I just recently came to terms with my lesbianism. I have a beautiful girlfriend and, while sharing intimate details with a “bi” friend, she somewhat seemed disgusted or uncomfortable with the sexual acts I was doing. I asked her if she’s ever give [sex] a try, being bi and all. She said “that’s not for me 😣, I know im bi because I do find girls attractive but I’d never have sex with one.” I was in shock. So you think girls are pretty…that doesn’t mean you’re bisexual.” – Lily, 24, Florida, USA.
“Years ago, after coming out as a lesbian, my apparently bi-curious best friend confronted me, genuinely upset that I never made a move on her. She exclusively dated boys and never gave me any indication she might be bi. Also, lesbians can have female friends and have zero romantic or sexual attraction to them. I’ve never forgotten that, and looking back, it was uncomfortable and was an extreme case of stereotyping.” – Veronica, 47, Mississippi, USA.
“I have bisexual acquaintances that I had to work with. I’m basically out to everyone as a lesbian. They playfully tried to kiss each other and I happened to be in the wrong place, which was in front of them, and they immediately looked at me and said, “Hey, this isn’t a free show.” It was meant to be told as a joke, but I didn’t appreciate how they pinned me as someone predatory.” – Alea, 24, Southeast Asia.
“Yes. Many bi girls would make me feel like I was making them uncomfortable just by existing around them. They would isolate me, and make me feel like I was a scary, intimidating monster in gym changing rooms. Then, they would occasionally kiss or feel up a friend in the same room while talking about a boyfriend in the same breath. It felt like they just saw me as a creep, meanwhile their version of sexuality was “more pure” and “just a girly thing”.” – Cupid, 22, Ontario, Canada.
“Most bisexuals who learn I am a lesbian ask if I have ever been with men. When I answer yes, I usually joke and say, “It was just a phase, haha.” They always double down and ask if I’m sure I’m not just bisexual. I have to convince them that no, my experience with men wasn’t enjoyable […] my actions don’t equal attraction.” – Tay, 30, Australia.
“I happen to be a femme who has dated men in the past (before realizing I was a lesbian, of course). A while ago, when I felt so confident in my sexuality and started referring to myself as a lesbian among my friends, one of my friends who is bisexual told me not to call myself that because it is limiting and sexuality is fluid. She said I identify as that now because I am in a happy relationship with my girlfriend but if it happens that we break up, I might explore other options. “No one knows” is what she said. Well I DO know and I had to explain to her how saying that sexuality is fluid does not apply to everyone and can actually be harmful. I was trying to come out to her and in a way, ask her to only refer to me as a lesbian because this is what I am, but I still don’t think that she understands the full picture. It feels very undermining and invalidating to hear that.” – Daisy, 25, Lebanon.
“Being a tomboy for majority of my life and now identifying as a butch lesbian, I’ve dealt with people’s shit and the resulting homophobia, but the worst of it has come from bi women – particularly the ones who mainly date men. My ex-wife was probably the worst one; she would constantly try to push me to “admit” that I found men attractive/wanted them. She had this notion that because I’d never been with one, I was just hiding it/ denying it. She also constantly compared me to her ex-husband, saying that we were the same and then that would turn into the conversation that I was probably a trans man but wouldn’t admit it. We got into countless arguments about how I wasn’t a man and that I wasn’t hiding my attraction to them; I would constantly have to remind her that her because she didn’t figure out she was attracted to women til she was older that didn’t mean that I didn’t know that I was 100% a lesbian. Her rebuttal would always be that I was in denial and that sexuality was more fluid than I was willing to admit.” – Cori, early 30s, Midwest USA.
“In some of my relationships with bi women (in general, not only romantic), I’ve felt like they sometimes questioned my certainty about only being attracted to women, because for them, sexuality is ‘fluid.’ I understand that fluidity is an important part of how they form and perceive their own identity, and that’s valid. But in my experience, there is no possibility of shifting my attraction system. I grew up Christian, lol, so I spent a long time in my teenage years devastated by the realization that I couldn’t be in a relationship with a boy. So when people try to push the idea that my sexuality is also a river that could flow in any direction at any time, it feels violent and lesbophobic.” – Victoria, 30, Brazil.
“Every time I would refer to someone as ‘gay/lesbian’, I would get the “ah ah ah, you never know! Not everything is gay!” from bisexuals specifically.” – G, 31, Portugal.
“I’ve experienced homophobia from bisexual people, though it’s often more subtle than from heterosexuals. It can show up as dismissive comments about my identity, like suggesting I’m “limiting” myself by only liking women. Sometimes, there’s a sense that bisexuality is more “open-minded,” which makes being a lesbian feel invalidated.” – Emily, 19, Connecticut, USA.
“The one time I mentioned that I’m a lesbian very casually and in passing with my coworkers, they immediately started talking about how they don’t use labels and just use ‘queer’ because just being gay is “too limiting.”” – Cadence, 22, Florida, USA.
“I’ve met a fair few bisexuals who seem to think they’re on another wavelength for being bisexual — like being a lesbian is so constrictive and anti-feminist? As if they exist as this mega-woman who is both masculine and feminine and dates men and dates women, like that’s the best thing to ever exist. Weird! Other than that […] I’ve noticed bisexuals always pulling the “I wish I was a lesbian, it would be so much easier :(“ card.” – El, early 20s, UK.
“I’ve been called close-minded. Heteros have called me “difficult by nature” and bis have called me “difficult by choosing,” and that’s apparently worse.” – K, 28, Finland.
“Bisexual women specifically tend to paint lesbians out to be mean or aggressive in a way heterosexual people don’t. They often make lesbophobic jokes like “Oh, lesbians ask why we only date men, but they traumatized us.” Or the bisexual women that insist on saying dyke or insist that our experiences are the same, and that lesbians wanting lesbian only spaces is biphobic. I’ve also heard a lot of stories from lesbians about bi women who will intentionally lead them on with claims of being confused about their sexuality or feeling unsafe with the guy they’re dating.” – Eve, 25, USA.
“[I’ve experienced bisexuals] looking down on monosexuality and looking at polysexuality as oh so enlightened which is so iffy…” – Riina, 28, Finland.
“As a lesbian, I’ve had some bisexual women act superior to me, because they still like men in some capacity, and I do not. They seem to regard themselves in a higher standing since they can still appear ‘normal’ for lack of better words. Or I have been excluded from conversations about relationships with my bisexual friends, because they are talking about men. So they disregard my female relationships troubles, saying I’m lucky I don’t like men and how it must be easier.” – Kit, 19, Kentucky, USA.
“I have felt like I was not seen as a woman or “one of the girls” with my bi friends. They claim I judge them for their bisexuality and have excluded me from friend hangs for no good reason. I feel like, because I’m not attracted to men in the same way, they see me as an ‘other’. They’ve also been the only people to tell me I “look straight.” With heteros it’s more blatant homophobia and being called slurs like dyke and the heteros not thinking that’s a problem.” – Madison, 24, Washington, USA.
“Most of my friends are bisexual women. It seems to me a lot of the time I am excluded from “girls night.” In the case of one of them getting married soon, I am asked to be the wedding “stage manager” because they would never ask me to put on a dress and I can’t just be a part of the bridal party in a suit for some reason. They all fit into “straight passing” looks and I am the only butch-y one. When we go to bars, or just out in general, they often pick places that make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe because they just don’t notice the homophobic aspects of a place.” – Ken, 27, USA.
“One of my old bisexual friends started making jokes a few years ago about how I’m ‘so into being gay,’ and when I mentioned I was joining a club at school, she rolled her eyes and said it was probably the ‘gay club’. For context, I had just come out as a lesbian that year, but I do not think I made it my whole personality or a big deal. I never talked about girls to the same extent as she talked about all of the guys she liked and wanted to hook up with. She would make it seem like I couldn’t fit in because I didn’t like guys. She acknowledged the part of herself that liked girls but made it seem like she was “one of the better ones” because she could like guys and I couldn’t.” – Mackenzie, early 20s, New York State, USA.
“This particular friend (I kinda had a thing going on with last year) used to joke saying “oh but maybe you like men” when I talked about male fictional characters, not even sexually or romantically, just in general like “oh I like this character’s mindset because he (…) and then in this chapter he and this other character (…).” Once she said that I talk too much about men to be a lesbian, which was just straight up lying, I stopped talking to her and then she would text me “oh I fucked this guy and that guy and – “. Like, I get it, I don’t mind talking about that stuff but don’t try to make me like you because you want someone to relate to you lol because I would never do it to you.” – Fer, 22, Perú.
“Before I realised I was lesbian, I identified as bi. Since coming out as lesbian, my bisexual friends cannot understand the concept of me actually not being attracted to men. For example, they would send me posts of random men and ask my opinion (as friends do, tbf) but act surprised when I don’t find those men hot (making jokes like “wow you really are gay,” “not even [male celeb] can change a lesbian”, “lesbianism changed you,” etc). Recently, my bi friend compared me to one of her other friends by saying “[we’re] both bisexuals”? Did she forget? Is she in denial? Is she stupid? I find that when straight people make disparaging/off-colour jokes about lesbianism, it’s mostly about sex between 2 women. Some bisexuals are more hung up on the not-being-interested-in-men part. Especially female bisexuals, as that is technically what separates them from lesbians. They either fixate on that difference or act like it doesn’t exist, and [say] “we’re all girls who like girls, lets all kiss!!!”” – Ivy, 20, Vietnam.
“As someone who identified as bisexual to hide my homosexuality at first, I never received any type of biphobia. But as soon as I gained some courage and came out as a lesbian, people finding out that I wasn’t attracted to men became an issue. I experienced a lot of disgusting situations with bisexual women, but one I would NEVER forget was my ex-girlfriend hitting me and calling me biphobic for asking her to get an STD test before we had sex together. I always ask my partners to do so, but her reaction was to assume I was biphobic and to harass me physically. That was my worst experience aside from other bisexual friends telling me to try [dick] or date men sometimes to discover myself “fully” because I have never been with a man in any way due to being lucky enough to grow up in a safe environment and find out I’m a lesbian since a young age.” – Gaby, 20.
“Dating bisexuals in the past was rough. They said they only truly saw marrying and having children with men. I’ve casually known several other bisexuals who only wanted to be casual with women but ultimately saw themselves with men.” – Lauren, 38, NYC, USA.
“The bisexual women I dated made me feel like our relationship wasn’t real enough or equivalent in seriousness to one with a male. Whilst they were sexually attracted to me, I noticed a clear lack of interest in building a relationship, like planning a future life alongside a woman. This mindset wasn’t the same with a man. I realized it wasn’t just commitment issues, it was active discrimination. These women weren’t ever going to commit to a relationship with another woman to the extent they were willing to do so with a man.” – Jio, 30, Mexico.
“I have heard from bisexual-identifying women (that dated men exclusively) that they could sleep with a woman but not stay with them long-term, romantically. I’ve also had the experience where after dating for several months, a bisexual woman said that relationships with women would not be long-term, and left to be with a man.” – Łucja, 25, Poland.
“Being treated like a man by bisexual partners, bisexual partners not wanting to touch me during sex, but would have no problems performing sexual acts on men. It’s not homophobia in the sense of they want me to be with a man, but rather they have treated me like a pseudo man.” – Kai, 25, Virginia, USA.
“It feels fetishizing, in my personal experience. I’ve only encountered bisexual women who wanted to experiment with me because they think “I have more experience” or try to talk about my sex life in a public environment, a party for example, just for male attention.” – Elizabeth, 23, México.
“[I have experienced homophobia from bisexual women], mostly the “sexuality is fluid for all” discourse, being called mean, a man-hater, close-minded because I said I could never be with a man (from a “friend” who knew I’ve been out as a lesbian since 14). I feel that it’s far worse than heteros doing it (they might be ignorant or just hatefully taught), but bisexuals? We’re supposedly on the same boat, as a part of the community. Though, personally, I’ve only found a safe space with other lesbians […] [bi women] clearly have a privilege but won’t recognise it. The lack of empathy is saddening. Not only is there no acknowledgement of their wrongdoings, but it seems they can’t or won’t see how and why they’re being incredibly hurtful, disrespectful and lesbophobic. Or they just don’t care, I guess.” Anita, 32, South America.
“In my experience, bisexuals come across ignorant in a different way than straight people. Bis tend to come across as though I’m “not enlightened or evolved enough” on the rainbow scale to understand how “sexuality is fluid.” Whereas straight people tend to come across completely removed from the reality that women could genuinely be attracted to another woman. Both challenge my existence.” Dee, mid-30s, South Florida, USA.
“It feels different, and sometimes more disheartening to receive homophobia from a bisexual person or fellow queer person, because we are supposed to be on each others team. I expect it from straight people, but it stings a bit more when bisexuals say “you could still find a guy someday” or “everyone is a little bi” or “we both like girls what’s the difference”. It feels like being disrespected or dismissed by a friend, rather than a stranger.” – Ken, 27, Pennsylvania, USA.
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